Brangelina!

People keep saying, “just you wait, you’re going to become so LA.” What does that even mean? I’m pretty sure it’s getting my hair cut at an angle, dying the tips blonde, losing a million pounds, starting conversations with cross streets, and ordering avocado toast for every Sunday brunch. Well guess WHAT? I prefer butter, bitches.

But I’m proud to say that I have had my fair share of “sooo LA” moments that only a socal gal could shout “trey!” about:

-  I attended a rooftop movie screening right next to the horrific Scientology building.

-  I spent a Saturday getting paid to bowl as an extra in some reality show.

-  I hiked a bunch of stairs for “fun.”

-  I ordered a $15 whiskey at the Bungalow

-  I was the least attractive person at the Bungalow.

-  I attended a “networking” event. Yikes.

-  I got asked for a business card (what are those?)

-  I went to the beach in November (IS winter coming?)  

-  I rode the bus next to a chihuahua (and he got the damn window seat!)

-  I started a bunch of sentences with the word “I.”

Chinese Theatre 

This past Thursday, though, was the LA-iest moment of all LA moments. No, not tacos (though we’re on the same page, bro)… I witnessed BRANGELINA on a red carpet! That’s right, beautiful Brad, angelic Angie, and I was fortunate enough to shove a phone in front of their beautiful faces and yell at them to look over (just kidding, I respectfully waved).  My lovely Parisian friend who works at the French Consulate had an extra ticket to see Jolie’s film at the AFI (American Film Institute) Festival. Movie screenings in general get me gaga but when it involves big stars and the promise of free snacks at the after party? You bet I’m coming hungry.

What are celebrities like up close? Well with these two… freakin’ flawless. Brad looked so young, as if he traveled back in time to when he couldn’t act. And Angelina… I mean face, legs, hair, lips, arms (and brain of course) but BOOBS! Wow I couldn’t stop staring. I know she had that breast cancer scare not too long ago but I didn’t realize they’d look like THAT as a result. In the end I was a bit disappointed that Brangie didn’t hire me on the spot to babysit their kids, but whatever. It's just a dude and a chick who happen to have perfect bone structure and wear clothes worth more than my parents’ home. NDB.

Look at me!

Angelina’s “By the Sea,” which she wrote, directed and starred in, is something I’d recommend if you’re looking to not have a great time. The story follows a depressed American couple on a trip along the French Riviera… and it follows them for an

excruciatingly long time. It’s a shame that Brad spoke French for half of the film because we couldn't understand a word of it. I wonder if the characters’ unhappiness reflects the couples’ misery in real life. But then there’s the boobs, and boy did they look great, Angie! My friend made me promise never to write anything that dull and I go, “have you read my blog?”

But afterwards we got to cross the street to the Roosevelt Hotel for the after party, and holy moly there was SO MUCH FOOD. I stood in the midst of French conversation and so politely contained myself to nibbling on finger foods but there were people literally piling plates upon plates with pasta, salmon, pot pie, prime rib and swooshing it all down with glasses of fine wine and martinis. I mean we do this kind of stuffing-our-faces ritual in suburban Illinois, but in Hollywood? Shameless! You should have seen the looks on the French people’s faces. If you ask me, though, we don’t discriminate here in America: a buffet is a buffet, no matter the zip code.

get your party pants on

The Frenchies got to talking politics so I moseyed my way over to the dessert table, eyeing the crowds for potential prey to use my flirting skills on. But people just remained huddled in flocks around the big VIP tables labeled “Universal,” “Audi” and repeated this routine I’ve seen quite a bit out here: 1) hand shake, 2) feigned interest, 3) forced laugh, and finally 4) exchanging contact info. I know it because I've done it too. But here, in this hotel... I don’t know what was stronger between the smell of beef stroganoff and the superficiality. But parties mean business, and I suppose each glass of wine can help you get one step closer to your dreams.

I instead found a catering guy with a plate of sliders and we talked about parking, another one of those “so LA” things I can add to my list. I’m glad he didn’t ask me about the movie, or for a business card. Though maybe I should invest in some. What do you think, Trey?