25 and All That Jazz

Back in elementary school we’d write the same three things at the top of all our assignments: full name, class subject, and the date. The cool girls put hearts over the i’s instead of dots so I tried it for a while and failed but then someone told me that my ugly handwriting meant I was "creative," so that was an avoided self-esteem blow.

THIS "S" thing

Anyway, writing the date became such a habit that the headers started to look empty without it. We’d eagerly fill up the upper right corner with January 14th, 1998, or whatever year it was, then doodle some of those weird "S" symbols before lumbering through the boring multiplication problems listed below.

The only time writing the date was a struggle was after winter vacation, after we’d left behind our prime numbers and dependent clauses, only to come back to review tests and a new calendar year. Instead of 1998 it was 1999, and I could never remember to update the year. It felt so unnatural, like breaking a habit, to switch that last number from an 8 to a 9. Like converting from chocolate to vanilla, or from Republican to open-minded. Point is, changing the date took effort, and no one likes to do that.

The same formula introduced our papers in college: name, class, and date (plus our professors' names to feed their egos). And whenever winter quarter rolled around, I’d think oh man! Not a new year! With later dates came bigger reflections. I can’t believe it’s already 2010! Last year went by like a flash! Better do more this coming year! The changing of years marks the progression of time, of getting older, of slipping closer to deadlines or farther from dreams. And recognizing this makes the beginning of the year as panicky as it is hopeful. Resolutions, honey, make some resolutions.

January celebrates not only the New Year but my birthday as well, and so it's a "new year" for me in both senses. It's an exciting time, all the snow and the gifts and the positive vibes, but I also get super angsty. Ages 22, 23, 24 came and went and I look exactly the same (as my 17-year old self). Did I do it right? Did I accomplish all the things I'm supposed to do at that age? Maybe not compared to Emma Watson. Oh man, I need to catch up to Emma Watson! 

25 and still love sprinkles

But this January I felt okay, happy in fact, to welcome in 2015... or for me personally, 25. 2014 was a big year for me, professionally and emotionally, and I experienced a lot of firsts. I got my first ever big girl job with salary and benefits. I moved to a new city (Paris) and found an apartment on my own. I felt my first real heartbreak, and the slow, painful process of getting over it. And I got over it. Most of my new friends have (beautiful) accents. It’s the first year to do my own taxes, the first year to mess up my taxes, and I started using Instagram. At 24 I ran with the bulls. I started my first novel (and stopped halfway through). I dated a red head. I tried Umami burger. I finally got a smart phone. I watched The Wire. I almost bought eye cream. I flew home for the holidays. I got good at French. I started liking French. I can't believe I'm starting to like French.

I realize this post is self-involved and boring. It's my space for a "personal reflection," or rather a 'list' of reasons/excuses to not feel ashamed that I am not making as much as my peers or haven't yet launched my sitcom writing career or haven't found true love or that I feel skeptical of love and dating and men and uncertain about where I want to live or what I want to do and if I'm any good and what's my voice and whether or not to dye my hair and if so what color, and also if my readers are getting any of this or if I have readers and if not then is it because I'm a bad writer or offensive or self-involved or if I should start using more punctuation. Maybe I'll start with that. That's the easiest to solve. Periods. Here's to a quarter century. Here's to another 25 years, to hopefully accumulating answers to some of these doubts but also continuing to ask the questions. To feeling good about turning the page, to changing the date.